When helping your best friend get over a break up

• Do not tell her that there are plenty of fish in the sea. 

She’ll be a smartass, she’ll say, “BUT I DON’T WANT A FISH. I WANT HIM. I WANT HIM BACK. WAHHHHHH.” Then you’re a socially awkward penguin.

• Do not tell her that he was stupid for leaving her.

She’ll be a smartass, she’ll say, “I WAS STUPID FOR LOVING HIM. WAHHHH.” Then you’re again, socially awkward penguin.

• Do not tell her that he didn’t deserve her, and that she was too good.

She’ll be a smartass, she’ll say, “IF I’M SO GOOD, WHY DID HE BREAK UP WITH ME. WAAAAAAH.” Then you’re socially awkward penguin.

What you do is, you say, “BITCH. GET THE FUCK UP. WE’RE GOING TO WAL-MART. WE ARE BUYING A GALLON OF ICE CREAM FOR YOUR MOPEY ASS, AND YOU’RE GOING TO CRY. ALL FUCKING NIGHT. YOU WILL WAKE UP TOMORROW MORNING. WE ARE BURNING ALL HIS SHIT. ALL OF IT. WE’LL GO SHOPPING, AND BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BITCHES ON THE PLANET.”
She can’t be a smartass, and you are no longer caught in a socially awkward situation. You are not a penguin, you are practically jesus.